Montreuil, France — Players of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey were shocked to discover Saturday morning that one or more of their previously purchased Assassin’s Creed games had been erased from their Windows, X-box, and Playstation systems. “Gamers” on the Nintendo Switch were unaffected. Apparently, it had something to do with a choice they made in the latest title in the series.
“My character, Kassandra, is an adventurous lesbian who spurns the advances of all male characters in Odyssey but gets it on with every female the game will allow, even that wrinkly old bat, Auxesia,” remarked Blake Williams, a college sophomore. “When I played the latest DLC, it tried to get me to hook up with some dude, but I was like, women’s lib and stuff, you know?” said the poly-sci major. He claimed that to punish him for not agreeing to the scripted heterosexual union in order to produce a child, Ubisoft erased his other Assassin’s Creed games.
A spokesperson for Ubisoft defended the company’s decision. “We made a mistake when we first release the downloadable content, ‘Shadow Heritage‘. Players were originally forced to have a baby, even if they had previously chosen same-sex relationships throughout the game. Now players can choose to avoid the romance option which leads to conception.” If they do this, however, it ends the bloodline for the protagonists in nearly every other Assassin’s Creed game. “Since Odyssey is a prequel, what this means is if Alexios or Kassandra don’t have a baby, his or her descendants never exist, and if they don’t exist, how can someone play them in a game? We felt it was best, in order to give players freedom while maintaining the integrity of the story, to remotely erase other Assassin’s Creed games from the devices of players who chose not to procreate.”
“I mean, I guess it makes sense,” said Jesus Dominguez, an Actuarial Mathematics student. “I’m just bummed I won’t get to help Edward Kenway board and pillage pirate ships aboard the Jackdaw ever again,” whatever that means.
According to NerdGameStatsNStuff.org, 93% of all Odyssey players are male, and 98% of those players have elected to play the female protagonist as a full-on, card-carrying lesbian, so this decision affects a large number of players. “I just couldn’t bring myself to let Lykaon put his oikos in my misthios,” admitted Williams.
When asked what would happen if players reloaded an old game save and had the baby, Ubisoft said players would be permitted to install any games which had been erased, thus restoring the timeline. “They will, however, need to re-download any missing data,” which can take weeks on 56k dial-up.